I HAVE MOVED!

THE SKELLY ROCKER BLOG HAD MOVED TO:

WWW.SKELLYROCKER.CO.UK

TSR.

Apple iPhone Wi-Fi Problem (or how I nearly missed a flight!)

Some mornings it’s not worth getting out of bed. The problem here is that the time between getting out of bed and realising that you should have stayed there can take several minutes or hours.

The Death Bogle of the Inversnecky Railway Crossing Episode 3

Simon Alexander Tan woke and with some discomfort sat up in bed, swung his legs out and put his feet on the floor. At just over six feet and one inch tall there weren’t many beds (trains planes and automobiles for that matter) that he found comfortable, at least not for prolonged periods like a hood nights sleep.
His head felt a bit fuzzy, one too many Bushmill’s, he thought to himself. He washed, dressed and went down for breakfast.

Fiona McDonald was setting a table on the small dining room when he entered. It was the only one set and Simon supposed that they probably didn’t get many guests here. Spotting him coming in she smiled.

‘Good morning Mr Tan,’ with an imperceptible little curtsy, ‘Did you sleep well?’

‘Yes thank you.’ he lied.

The small bed and fuzzy head had little to do with the quality of sleep, and more to do with this assignment. Simon Alexander Tan worked for (he would say drafted into) the Canterbury’s Christ Church University Special Administration Department, which was attached to the research wing of the faculty of arts and humanities and more specifically the department of Theology. The Special Administration Department, although attached to the University had no offices there. Instead, it’s offices were located within Canterbury Cathedral.

While the purpose and operation of the Special Administration Department or S.A.D. were supposedly a secret, it was in fact the worst kept secret on the campus. This was in fact one of the recruiting methods employed by S.A.D. Anyone showing an interest in the department once they had ‘discovered’ the secret of existence was subtly encouraged to discover more. Before they knew it, they would be working for the department.

Of course, this wasn’t how Simon had been recruited. The method they had employed for him had been far less subtle and more painful. But it had needed to be. His particular talents would not have loaned themselves to subtle recruitment methods.

S.A.D. was know to the undergraduate community as the ghost hunters. As far as they were concerned, that it what they did. To an extent that was true, but was only one facet of the overall scope of S.A.D.

The department investigated paranormal experiences and stories, both from a historical standpoint and present day mysteries. And that was why Simon was here. To investigate some unexplained disappearances in the area. Disappearances which may (or may not) be linked to an old tale regarding the railway and in particular the railway crossing at Inversnecky.

TSR.

Post It Patent #4

OK, so vibrating beer mats are probably not going to take off. But here is another of my ideas for a green power generating device. This involves drilling a hole near a cliff edge to allow seawater to travel up and power turbines installed in the hole. Simple

The Cliff Top Generator

 TSR.

Here Ego Again! (Or Blogging Id a Pleasure)

You see what the pressure of belonging to a Blog Ring does? you try really hard for a month to post everyday. Then the month comes to an end, you count your views (about 12) and take a break. A few views continue to leak through due to typos in the search criteria (or poor categorisation / tagging on my part) and that’s it. Job done! Thanks very much, good night! The thing is I believe I am becoming addicted to blogging. I have an addictive personality anyway and there is a boost to the ego knowing that people are actually reading the word what I writ. Heaven knows why, you crazy people, all 12 of you!

Getting time to blog is hard, which is why most of the posts are a) short and b) badly structured. Ironic, since in my nine to five I am a fair technical report writer, but then I get paid to be and I have the time to develop the structure and content. The other part of blogging I find difficult is topics. Recent topics (outwith reviews and the Post-it Patents) have all come from Mr Smith who is attempting to write 1000 short stories who gave me ideas (often single words) to draw inspiration from and to form blogs based on them. I have yet to finish all the topics he gave me but will do so over the next few days.

Blogging has a number of advantages over say smoking (another of my vices) in that it is therapeutic as well as pandering to the ego – must get more hits! I never thought of myself as having much of an ego, but this is not true in the classical sense of what the ego (and the id) are. The id is simply the part of the psyche (unconscious in nature) which operates based on the pleasure principle, i.e. generally people will seek pleasure and avoid pain. We have it a birth. The ego is the mediator between the id, the super-ego and the outside world (the one we wake up to and observe through sleep crusted eyes every morning. The super-ego (how good does that sound) aims for perfection in everything. It is predominantly an unconscious part of the psyche and relates to ideals. It also controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt.

Yes, yes you say, but what has all this to do with blogging? Well consciously I make a decision to blog, because I enjoy writing. The id identifies this activity with pleasure but my super-ego demands perfection (grammar, spelling etc.) as well as making me feel guilty about not doing something more useful with my time and worrying about upsetting people with what I have to say. And this is where the ego kicks in, it says to the id – ‘Yes we’ll do a quick blog.’  in an attempt to satisfy it’s drive. To the super-ego it says ‘It’s all right we’ll use a spellchecker, read the post through and you only have 12 readers anyway- it’s not important.’

Hard to believe that all this is going on just below the level of my conscious self. And at the same time, my fingers are bashing away on a keyboard, I’m wondering if I should have a cigarette and another coffer and also keeping and eye out for whose looking at my computer screen. We really are quite amazing creatures aren’t we?

TSR.

Review: The Cool-er Reader

After many weeks contemplating it, I have finally got my hands on an e-book reader. No, not the Kindle from Amazon (which is not available in the UK anyway and has had some bad press relating to Amazon’s practices). No not the Sony e-reader. It’s the Cool-Er e-reader.

The Cooler E-Reader

There were a number of reasons for my choice of this particular book, and the decision had been made before I found out about Amazon deleting files off the Kindle without warning.

Firstly weight. The Cool-er only weighs 5.6 oz, compare to 10 oz and over for the Sony e-Reader and Kindle. Secondly, looks. The pictures make the reader look at lot like an iPod Nano – and the controls certainly take their cue from this. Finally the firmware. This is a Linux based e-reader complete with 128 MB Ram, 1GB of memory and an SD expansion slot which can increase the memory up to 4GB.

The package arrived with the reader and a USB cable. Instructions were limited and. The reader itself plugs into a PC or Mac via USBand appears as a mass storage device. As a result you can easily create folder lists by author or type, and loading it up with Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle’s complete works is a simple drag and drop.

I downloaded some free books from FeedBooks in PDF and EPUB format. Personally I think the EPUB is more suitable for reading as you don’t get unusual word breaks across lines. Being able to read PDF is still useful, for reports etc.

The ebook itself is quite plasticky, it feels like an etch-a-sketch (kids ask your parents). There is a small iPod style control ‘wheel’ at the bottom and four buttons on the side. You navigate through the folder hierarchy to the books you want to read. The buttons at the side allow you to access menus for library settings when you are in the folder hierarchy, and reading settings (including books marks, table of content and go to page…)  when you are reading a book. They also have a back button, a screen rotate (for landscape) and a music button – yes MP3  player included but haven’t tried this.

The screen itself is excellent with proprietary e-ink technology. Refresh, as anyone who has used an e-book is a bit slow, and this is the same for all readers due to the display technology. I’ve read about three short stories on it now and quite enjoyed the experience, apart from the ‘click’ as I pressed the page forward every ten second. Believe it or not, I found holding the cool-er reader a bit uncomfortable after a while, since I was loathed to put my fingers over the screen, and it is very thin.

So do I think the cool-er is worth £189 ($249). Compare to the Kindle and Sony e-reader it’s both a good deal lighter and cheaper, and it feels it. But if you just want something to read books on (and maybe listen to some Bach while you’re doing it) then it’s not a bad deal. Is it better than stanza on my iPhone? Probably for reading anything longer than a few 100 words yes? So the final cut, my way or e-bay? My way for now. e-books are still in their infancy and other issues such as author availability and price need to be addressed before this becomes a serious option to print books.

The Death Bogle of the Inversneky Railway Crossing Episode 2

Hamish realised, that everyone in the bar had stopped to look at the doorway. Even old Hamish had stopped playing (the fact that this was to have another mouthful of whiskey was just a coincidence). A domino fell on the slate floor, breaking the silence. Lightening flash outside, revealing the shape in silhouette to be that of a man. Thunder rolled. The patrons of the bar heaved a collective sigh of relief and slowly returned to their singing, dancing and most importantly drinking. The door swung closed behind the man and he approached the bar.

‘Aye, ye’ll be needin’ a dram ah dare say, beein’ oot on a nicht like yon,’ said Hugh McDonald nodding at the window and the storm outside.

Hugh was the landlord of the Fiddler, a big man who came from farming stock. He had fists like hams and always wore a spotless white apron. The folks in the village said he looked more like a butcher than a barman, but they didn’t complain much as long as the pub was dry, the beer wet and the prices reasonable.

‘Yes, thank you,’ said the man, ‘Do you have Bushmills?’

He removed his hat and coat which were drenched through, placing them on a barstool.

‘Och, ye canna leave yer clothes there,’ said Hugh, then at his neice, ‘Fiona, hang the man’s clothes up near the fire so they’ll dry oot.’

Fiona nodded, came round from behind the bar and took the man’s jacket and hat, hanging them on hooks at the side of the fireplace. The man smiled at Fiona by way of a thank you.

Hugh had poured the Bushmill’s and enquired if any water would be needed.

‘No, no thank you. Just as it is,’ said the man.

He took a sip of the whiskey, then took out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket and lit one, inhaling the smoke and holding it for several seconds before blowing it out and up towards the ceiling.

‘Is there anything else I can get ye Mr, er?’ enquired Hugh, ‘Some food, will ye be needin’ a room for the night?’

‘Tan,’ replied the man, ‘Simon Alexander Tan.’

He reached out his hand and shook the landlord’s big fist, wincing slightly.

‘Hugh McDonald’ said Hugh, shaking the man’s hand, ‘I’m the landlord o’ the Fiddler’s Chin. And Fiona there is my Niece.’

‘Yes, I think I shall need a room for perhaps three or four nights. And some food would be good. What do you have?’

‘Fiona, go an’ prepare a room for Mr Tan here,’ said Hugh, then to the stranger, ‘Well it’s Curry night ye see – curried stovies.’

‘Curried stovies it is then.’

Mr Tan pulled a stool up to the bar and sat down next to Young Hamish, nodding at him and giving a brief smile. Hamish lifted his beer mug slightly in return.

‘Tell me,’ enquired Hugh, ‘where are ye from. Yer nae fae aboot here, I ken that much.’

‘Canterbury’

Hugh’s brow wrinkled. He had never been very far from Inversnecky, the longest and furtherst he had travelled was his yearly trip to the Auchnagatt Fair, only seventeen miles away.

‘It’s in England.’ said Mr Tan as an explanation.

‘Oh!’ ‘exclaimed Hugh, ‘Yer a lang wy fae hame then. Hear that noo Hamish, this man’s com a’ the wy fae England.’

Simon Tan groaned inwardly. His work meant that he travelled a lot. Travelled to places like this. Local places. Odd places. Full of odd people. With their humdrum, normal, local lives. In a way, he envied them. The fact that they went to bed every night certain of what the next day would hold. Their worries so small and seemingly insignificant. But after tomorrow all that would change. And these people, happy with their singing and dancing would no longer have the certainty of what the next day would hold.

TSR.

40 Tips for Life

I recently tweeted 40 pieces of advice for life on Twitter. (Between Tweets 500 – 600ish). OK so first it was going to be 500, then 100 and then 50. It’s now my top 40 (in no particular order. So that you can benefit from my stupidity I post them here for your delectation. Note that not ALL tips are based on my experience.

1. Do NOT try to fix electric sockets half way through doing the dishes.
2. If you REALLY want a ‘clear out’ put a chopped up citrus fruits in a jug & fill with water. Leave in fridge for 3 hours then drink the lot.
3. DON’T jump over walls in the dark if you don’t know what’s on the other side.
4. If someone tells you drugs are bad for you – BELIEVE THEM!
5. If you’re going to have a one night stand – make sure your parents aren’t spending the night at your place.
6. If you are 3, don’t bury your parents keys in the garden. They will not be impressed.
7. Always, always, always listen to what your grandmother tells you. It may not seem important at the time, but it will be one day.
8. Think about a job before starting for ten times longer than you think it will take. Even then, expect it to take twice as long.
9. If you are going to eat meat, ask yourself “Given the chance, could I have killed this animal with my bare hands?”
10. Don’t drive cars beyond your capability. You will crash.
11. Don’t use your face to determine whether a steam iron is hot or not.
12. Don’t smoke.
13. If you don’t have rhythm – don’t dance.
14. Don’t spend the whole afternoon lying on an inflatable bed in the pool on a sunny day. You will severely regret it.
15. Memorise your mobile phone number. You never know when it will come in handy!
16. Don’t eat raw Dorset Naga chillis raw. Or cooked. It’s not big or clever.
17. Buy good quality shoes that are a comfortable fit. Really – you’ll thank me for this one.
18. Don’t always believe a spellchecker.
19. If you’re going to Edinburgh for an interview, don’t let one of your Mother’s friends see you in London.
20. If you have an unexplained lump – go to the Doctor. It will probably be nothing but it’s not worth the risk.
21. Don’t play the lottery. You will always believe you have the winning numbers but you never will. Work hard instead.
22. Be funny and nice to girls – they like that. Apparently!
23. Don’t take yourself too seriously. It will make you come across as a complete w****r!
24. Do something you don’t really want to do once in a while.
25. Never, ever imagine your name is Madagascar!
26. Learn how much alcohol you can handle. Don’t drink more than that.
27. Believe your own hype – but DON’T let it go to your head.
28. Blondes DO have more fun. – so hang out with them instead.
29. Picking Gooseberries hurts more than their tastiness.
30. Pulling the menthol ‘filter’ from a Vick’s inhaler and rubbing it on your eyebrows stings like hell!
31. If people put you down, kick back. Harder, faster & don’t stop ’til they’re on the floor bleeding from their ears, metaphorically of course.
32. Use anti-bacterial handwash on your hands. You might not know where they’ve been.
33. Sometimes it can help to spend 24 hours and not talk to a single soul.
34. Oh yeah – use anti-bacterial handwash on your hands. You might not know where they’ve been.
35. If you’re always waiting for something to come out of left field – who the hell is watching the right?
36. Save on belts – buy a reversible one (same goes for jackets and under pants!)
37. Be careful when using a ZippoTM lighter. you could find yourself running down the street with your hair on fire.
38. Learn to read a map with a compass, and how to tell North from your watch.
39. Don’t rely on the technology and toys – it will always let you down when you need it the most.
40. Buy a good dressing gown. One that can be used for formal occasions as well as slumming around the house.

I thank you!

TSR.

Ode to a Tapir

Tapirus, Tapirus,
Why do you cause such a fuss?
Ancient descendant of Heptodon,
Please chill out and get your funk on.
Your numbers decrease,
But not your proboscis,
We’ll try to save you,
Although it’s imposicis!

TSR.

My Top Five Cheeses

1. Cheddar
2. Cheshire
3. Brie
4. Camembert
5. Feta
6. Edam

What’s yours?

TSR.